Sexy 2022
I declared it, and then I lived it. This is my reflection as the year is winding down. Mostly just life stuff, a little astrology
Being sexy has nothing to do with being attractive. Has nothing to do with people being attracted to me. Feeling sexy has everything to do with being embodied, enjoying experiences of the flesh. The chocolate croissant I’m eating right now is sexy; buttery layers of fried dough melting in my mouth with sweet and bitter chocolate. The sensation on my tongue and in my mouth. Sexy.
Sexy 2022 has been about breaking free from the trap of attraction and attainment - individual and cultural.
Most of my life I have been trapped by wanting to be attractive. I’d have done almost anything to feel attractive. To win affection. I’ve betrayed my friends' trust and feelings in small and big ways too many times, just to feel worthy. I’ve betrayed my own feelings over and over. Desperate to be chosen, desperate to be special – always as ascribed by someone else. So obsessed with feeling attractive that enjoyment is replaced by achievement.
Even in my desperation, I never lacked sex or even relationships. But now I see, we are all doing the same thing. I could find someone just as desperate as me. To tell me I’m hot, fetishize my body. I was winning because they wanted me, and they were winning because I desperately wanted them. They gave me their approval and fulfilled their own desperate need for value exchange.
Casual sex that is, in fact, not casual at all. All wrapped up in my trauma and theirs - all of us seeking something that nobody can provide. Belonging, safety, worth.
I sometimes enjoyed it. Sometimes I just enjoyed the feeling of achievement. Achievement, not orgasm. I had achieved a man’s attention and affection. If only for a moment, I was winning, he had chosen me. We could create the facade together, the one that looks from the outside like we know what we're doing. Physical bodies present. Senses unattuned. Tuned toward the external - overloaded with excessive noise, lights, sweetener - but not feeling a thing.
Sexy 2022 was a moniker I chose for the year partly based on astrological timing, partly based on life circumstances (... or are these the same thing?). It was late 2021 and I had just gone through my Saturn return in the 7th house (2018-19) followed immediately by my two Saturn profection years (2020-21)... and you know, a global pandemic.
Relationship crash courses, isolation and tiiiiiiimmmmmme spent breaking down my relational life.
More than anything I just wanted to get back out there in 2022, and I knew I wanted to do it differently. I wanted to prioritize fun and enjoyment over achievement and timelines. To choose my sexuality, to choose sex. Not to be chosen for it. Not to be the winner of affection, to fully consent, to fully engage.
To radiate from a well of internal fulfillment because I had chosen myself. I am sexy because I am, period. I am sexy because I love myself and it shows, it’s more of a vibe than a look.
Some people find it attractive because they want it. They want to take it. My carefully cultivated energy of luscious abundance. I am not somebody else’s achievement, I do not give my sex. It cannot be taken.
Opening the door to fun, play, sensation and freedom. The freedom of elating myself, the freedom of pleasure exchange without attachment. The discernment to see who wants to take my sexy for themselves, who needs to experience it out of desperation, and who might just enjoy it with me. The ability to stay in the enjoyment - not jump timelines in my head, to stay present for every bodily sensation.
And that’s where we’re at today. Sexy 2022 has been a lot of dressing cute and taking selfies, dancing for myself in the mirror, looking right at myself and saying "I love you hottie", feelin’ myself and sharing dance videos on instagram, I joined a dance studio specifically aligned with embodied sensual dance (shoutout Minx + Muse), I re-downloaded Snapchat because I obviously needed the sexy ghost app back. More sex, yes, and most importantly more enjoyable sex with much less desperation and self-value gambling.
Cheers to Sexy 2022, it's been a good year.
2023 incoming… working on what’s next.
